i go through these phases where i just can not handle life without it. mum walked into my room, and had no idea why i couldn’t stop shaking or why i collapsed onto my knees or why my eyes were closed tight in pain or why i was doing anything i was doing. im so fucked up. i hate my self for needing it, for wanting it this bad, but i still fucking want it. i need it. i really really do. im literally shaking. my body won’t stay still.
And so I’m on my way home tralalalala this’ll be interesting
And in case you hadn’t already, I’d suggest that you all unfollow me, because tonight won’t be fun to read about.
Anyway there was one thing that stuck with me - apparently geminis usually try to mask when they’re feeling shit, like pretend they’re stronger than they are or whatever. Anyway, I realised how true that is for me. Well not on tumble because idc about online people, y’all don’t have to see me in real life… But when I’m face to face with people, I’m never honest… I don’t know why I needed to share that but fuck I feel like shit and I just want someone to make it better or easier for me in whatever way possible, but I can’t ever be open and honest and let them in.
Can someone please just come and hug me as I go to sleep so that I can’t cut and I don’t feel alone and I don’t cry myself to sleep? K thanks bai.
the fuuuck. I’m freaking the fuck out and my mind is racing and I have no idea what even… I don’t know. I just know if I go home now before im exhausted ill just end up cutting and crying and eugh. But I can’t stay out forever… Fuck I don’t know I don’t even know whats going on in my head I can’t make sense of anything fucking hell
I’m sitting here, and in my mind there’s only two outcomes to the rest of my night. Either he replies and we hang and get stoned and all is good, or he doesn’t and I go home and make that cut deeper. Why can’t I just go home and chill by myself? I do not make sense… Like I’m not even sad, why then? Gahhh what the actual hell
Oh my actual god I finally own a pair of long pants again. It’s been about two months since my last pair ripped and I can wear pants againnn, so excited!
Bored, feeling like arse, and I have and fresh blade in my bag… This is so fucking difficult it’s not even funny. Yesterday was the deepest I’ve gauged down since about when I was in hospital, so I don’t know maybe February? Fuck and now it’s staring at me, like a gaping, open mouth, whispering to me to come closer…
wow, im actually in a surprisingly okay mood at the moment. i went form going waayyyyy too deep at work, to a fun night out. after i finally talked to him, i picked him up and we went to the appartment, chatted, smoked too much, made super long joints haha, listened to crack music, watched videos on cars, and then searched for one for me to buy. and we were joking around like we used to which was good, it’s good being comfortable/friends again rather than weird like we were for a bit some months ago. a much better end to the day than the start.
but, it’s almost 3am, so jano really should be getting to sleep, seeing as i’ve got to be up by 8 tomorrow morning for work… fuck that, i want a sick day. but after tomorrow im not working for seven days, melbourne bitchezzz!
good night, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
weed om nom nom get in me
Eh I lasted 3 days without it, but I tried my best… So yeah feels great to be awesomely fucked up high again. Why have I not been smoking this for the last 36 hoursss.
how much longer until i can message again and not seem like a pestering bitch? grrrr
